To be honest, I've struggled with this month's blog. A part of me says, “Write whatever you want, no one's going to read it anyway”. That's not me being negative or pessimistic; those are just the cold hard facts. Believe it or not, I'm actually okay with that. I have another motivation for writing about nature and outdoor adventure.

Initially, I had high hopes for creating this outdoor adventure brand. I wanted to be like many of the other countless influencers: visiting remote and scenic vistas, posting amazing media, and writing engaging stories about my own travels. And so, I created the obligatory website and all the accompanying social media accounts.

(Caution, rabbit trail approaching). It probably doesn’t need to be mentioned, but social media can be an easy place for a person to judge one’s self. Especially when many of these brands have sponsors and a full crew to support them. Incidentally, my hat’s off to those adventurers who are a solo act. That must require an insane amount of time and effort, just to keep up with followers ever-hungry appetite for new content. But I’m getting off track…

Let me back up a bit.

With the end of my career looming ever closer on the horizon, I find myself a bit lost. For more than half my life, I’ve had the same job, the same routine. But in just a few short months, I will have the opportunity to pursue whatever my little ol’ heart desires. For some reason though, I find that freedom daunting. I feel like the dog that’s been kept in a yard it’s whole life. Then, one day the gate is opened and the owner say’s, “Go ahead, you can leave if you want.” I slowly approach the gate, and look up at my master, and then out into my opportunity for liberation. Am I allowed to just go do what I want? Is it okay to run free and unrestricted? It’s what I’ve always wanted, but something just feels off.

Of course, being the introspect that I am, I Googled my feelings and this is what I found.

“What is the psychological definition of someone who has done something all their life, and is suddenly free?”

Adjustment Disorder:

When a person who has spent a significant period in a structured or confined situation experiences a sudden change to freedom, they may encounter challenges adjusting to the new environment and lifestyle. This can be a form of adjustment disorder, which is characterized by emotional or behavioral symptoms that develop in response to a significant life change.

Identity Crisis: The sudden shift can also trigger an identity crisis, particularly if the previous situation heavily defined their sense of self. For example, someone released from long-term solitary confinement may struggle with a loss of their former sense of purpose, self-confidence, and a feeling of being disconnected from their values and interests.

Identity crisis huh? Further self reflection brought to mind that at some point in my life, I stopped being me, and began being who I needed to be. Whether it was due to another person, or society, or the job. Hmm, “The Job”…

For almost 33 years, I’ve lived the life of a first responder. When I first took that oath, I knew I would be changed; I accepted that. But the job quickly taught me to push down those invasive thoughts and uncertain feelings. In the midst of the coordinated chaos, you tell yourself you have a job to do. There will be time to sort though what my eyes are seeing later. Over the years, you become pretty good at it. You learn to disconnect, but you are still changed. As the end of my career approaches, my experiences have not left me debilitated, but I still remember.

Disclaimer : The following are incidents that for whatever reason, have stuck with me. They may cause some distress. Read at your own discretion.

The four year old girl who was killed in a drive-by because the dad decided to, “do one more deal”. He was pleading with us to save her.
The teenage young man who died while doing bench press. He had a congenital heart condition, and was due to have a pacemaker installed in a few days. He was home alone, and his mother had called 911 when he didn’t answer her calls. She arrived and saw him lying on the floor. She thought he was still alive.
The two year old boy who was shot in the wrist after another drive-by shooting on Christmas day. Fortunately, he survived.
The deaths of fellow coworkers.
The endless loss of lives and property.

“These days, all I find myself seeking is peace and solitude. I'm not antisocial or bitter, but I've seen some things.”
- Joey Rivers

So you see, and not to be rude, but I couldn’t care less about likes and follows. I no longer have time to compare myself to others. No time to trade my passions for a trending post or going viral. My motivation now is for healing, and to reconnect with the real “me”. I plan to do that beside some alpine lake with my fly fishing rod, and a warm fire. Or, maybe lying on the floor of the high desert, staring at innumerable stars strewn across the dark sky.

Sounds like good medicine to me. And, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe research has proven that being in nature provides both mental and physical healing.

Of course I’ve always known that. How do you think I’ve lasted this long?

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Joey Rivers

*P.S. - I decided to post this personal story, not in hopes of receiving accolades or sympathy, but to remind readers that we all go through things from time to time.

Historically, in the fire service, anyone showing an emotional response or seeking mental health support, may have been seen as weak. Fortunately, great strides have been made with mental health and peer support in recent years.

If you are struggling through a tough time, seek help with someone you trust. Sharing your feelings with a loved one, friend or counselor, can bring much needed relief. If you need professional help, don’t let a fear of judgement deter you. Reach out today.

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Where To From Here

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Don’t Stop Believing